Some men are arrogant, not only in giving, but even in receiving, benefits, a mistake which is never excusable. For let me now pass to the other side of the subject in order to consider how men ought to conduct themselves in accepting a benefit.
Every obligation that involves two people makes an equal demand upon both. When you have considered the sort of person a father ought to be, you will find that there remains the not less great task of discovering the sort that a son should be; it is true that a husband has certain duties, yet those of the wife are not less great. In the exchange of obligations each in turn renders to the other the service that he requires, and they desire that the same rule of action should apply to both, but this rule, as Hecaton says, is a difficult matter; for it is always hard to attain to Virtue, even to approach Virtue; for there must be, not merely achievement, but achievement through reason. Along the whole path of life Reason must be our guide, all our acts, from the smallest to the greatest, must follow her counsel; as she prompts, so also must we give.
Now her first precept will be that it is not necessary for us to receive from everybody. From whom, then, shall we receive? To answer you briefly, from those to whom we could have given. Let us see, in fact, whether it does not require even greater discernment to find a man to whom we ought to owe, than one on whom we ought to bestow, a benefit. For, even though there should be no unfortunate consequences (and there are very many of them), yet it is grievous torture to he under obligation to someone whom you object to; on the other hand, it is a very great pleasure to have received a benefit from one whom you could love even after an injury, when his action has shown a friendship that was in any case agreeable to be also justified. Surely, an unassuming and honest man will be in a most unhappy plight if it becomes his duty to love someone when it gives him no pleasure. But I must remind you, again and again, that I am not speaking of the ideal wise man to whom every duty is also a pleasure, who rules over his own spirit, and imposes upon himself any law that he pleases, and always observes any that he has imposed, but of the man who with all his imperfections desires to follow the perfect path, yet has passions that often are reluctant to obey. And so it is necessary for me to choose the person from whom I wish to receive a benefit; and, in truth, I must be far more careful in selecting my creditor for a benefit than a creditor for a loan. For to the latter I shall have to return the same amount that I have received, and, when I have returned it, I have paid all my debt and am free; but to the other I must make an additional payment, and, even after I have paid my debt of gratitude, the bond between us still holds; for, just when I have finished paying it, I am obliged to begin again, and friendship endures7; and, as I would not admit an unworthy man to my friendship, so neither would I admit one who is unworthy to the most sacred privilege of benefits, from which friendship springs. “But,” you reply, “I am not always permitted to say, ‘I refuse’; sometimes I must accept a benefit even against my wish. If the giver is a cruel and hot-tempered tyrant, who will deem the spurning of his gift an affront, shall I not accept it? Imagine in a like situation a brigand or a pirate or a king with the temper of a brigand or a pirate. What shall I do? Is such a man altogether unworthy of my being indebted to him?” When I say that you must choose the person to whom you would become indebted, I except the contingency of superior force or of fear, for, when these are applied, all choice is destroyed. But, if you are free, if it is for you to decide whether you are willing or not, you will weigh the matter thoroughly in your mind; if necessity removes any possibility of choice, you will realize that it is for you, not to accept, but to obey. No man contracts an obligation by accepting something that he had no power to reject; if you wish to discover whether I am willing, make it possible for me to be unwilling. “Yet suppose it was life that he gave you!” It makes no difference what the gift is if it is not given willingly to one who accepts willingly; though you have saved my life, you are not for that reason my savior. Poison at times serves as a remedy, but it is not for that reason counted as a wholesome medicine. Some things are beneficial, and yet impose no obligation. A man, who had approached a tyrant for the purpose of killing him, lanced a tumor for him by the blow of his sword; he did not, however, for that reason receive the thanks of the tyrant, though by doing him injury he cured him of the disorder to which the surgeons had not had the courage to apply the knife.